Daily Reprieve

From the Daily Reflections of January 14;

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 83)

Once I became sober, I began to see how wasteful my life had been and I experienced overwhelming guilt and feelings of regret. The program’s Fourth and Fifth Steps assisted me enormously in healing those troubling regrets. I learned that my selfcenteredness and dishonesty stemmed largely from my drinking and that I drank because I was an alcoholic. Now I see how even my most distasteful past experiences can turn to gold because, as a sober alcoholic, I can share them to help my fellow alcoholics, particularly newcomers. Sober for several years in A.A., I no longer regret the past; I am simply grateful to be conscious of God’s love and of the help I can give to others in the Fellowship.

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Recovery opened the door to a world without polarized thinking for me.  Polarized thinking is where all knowledge and experience is divided into “Good and Evil.”  The logical conclusion of this kind of thinking is that people are also defined as good or evil, and I develop an “us and them” approach to those around me.  It feeds my isolated selfishness, my disconnected self glorification.

Rather than seeing the world as Good and Evil, I am being taught to see it as an opportunity for a Useful Change in Perspective or Wasteful Embrace of Futility.  In this new paradigm, even my ugliest past can become something beautifully useful.  And rather than identify other’s in my life as “evil,” I search for a more useful idea and called them sick like me.  My approach to others is to seek ways to connect and be useful or helpful.

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67).

From the Daily Reflections of January 13;

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: “If I just don’t drink, everything will be all right.” Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn’t happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God’s mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.

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I have difficulty with an absolute statement like, “The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems.”  It is the ALL and the past tense of the statement.  All problems resolved.  I suppose if you take a snapshot in time, list the problems that are current for that time and place, it might be plausible that you could resolve them once and for all.  Maybe.

My approach to problem solving, which includes chemical bombardments into the landscape of my psyche, is the primary change that the Big Book provides for me.  Life is full of problems that wax and wane over the course of my interaction with this mortal world.  If I work to create a problem-free life, I will be like the dog chasing his tale.  It is me that has to change.  I am my own worst problem as long as I wear a victim’s badge.  “They hurt me and I need to confront them with the truth.”  “If only I had enough income everything would be serene.”  “Once I am clear of the court’s microscope, I can begin to truly live free.”  The useful truth for me is that once I have changed, I can fearlessly embrace the truth about myself, can find serenity, and live freely, regardless of the list of external problems that arise.