Archive for November 18, 2008

Endigar 129

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 18, 2008 by endigar

Bill Wilson from the Grapevine, Jan 1958:

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand.  Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling liabilities.

Then we can be set free to live and love;  we may then be able to 12-step ourselves, as well as others, into emotional sobriety.

Should I interpret this to mean that my reaction concerning my sexuality is a hobbling liability?  It was definitely a source of being disturbed.  A dependency leading to a demand that is not good, it is unhealthy.  I cannot ever imagine me being able to become happily independent of my sexuality and living without my wonderfully dark demands.  It is the counter weight for the oowie goowie aspects of sobriety.  Maybe I will have a change of perspective.  I have before.

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Endigar 128

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 18, 2008 by endigar

I think I have been dealing with issues directly related to emotional sobriety these past few months.  It is different than dealing with the actual obsession.  In the last year since returning home from the treatment facility, I think that I may have dealt with a recurrence of the obsession maybe 2 or 3 times.  Only once has it been at a true threat level that had me running for back-up. 

The problems given to me by this lack of emotional sobriety are imbedded within self-delusion.  It takes me some time to realise that the thoughts it spawns belong to the disease and not me. 

The problem that developed this afternoon came from looking at a Maxim calendar of this beautiful young woman, and her ample breasts and deep cleavage and noticing…nothing.  No arrousal, no interest.  I began to search the files of my favorite sexual fantasies, and still, nothing.  My mind traveled to its most forbidden areas trying to get some sort of reaction from Dr. Erectus, and there was simply nothing.  Despair.  Panic. 

I don’t think I can remember one time in my life since adolescence were I could not achieve some sort of sexual inspiration.  And then the thought hit me that I had been able to respond freely when under the influence.  RED FLAG! 

I think maybe this is what makes the second year so difficult.  I have graduated from dealing with the obsession to dealing with the impact of not having strong emotional sobriety.  I respond poorly to stress and illness and medications.  I amplify them and their affects.  My libido is dampened by this process. 

Today, my response was to remain active, to talk to my sponsee, and go to a meeting.  I resisted too much self reflection.  I may work some on Step Two in the  “Explore 164” page.

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