Endigar 850
From Courage to Change of April 20;
In Al-Anon I’m learning that it is safe to be myself. Today I share with Al-Anon friends embarrassing secrets I once would have buried from sight. Sometimes I have to fight the old urge to keep quiet at all costs, but I have found that sharing is the key to healing.
For example, I was embarrassed about my physical appearance, especially my smile. Years of humiliating criticisms from alcoholic relatives had left me feeling very insecure. It seemed best to reveal as little about myself as possible, and I avoided smiling altogether. Unfortunately, I continued to believe the criticisms, so I thought very badly of myself.
By sharing honestly with people I can trust, I challenge the old, negative ideas. My Al-Anon friends assure me that the criticisms were exaggerated. Nobody seems to find me unworthy because of my smile. In Al-Anon I can come out of hiding. I’m even free to break into a grin.
Today’s Reminder
Even when I feel ashamed, someone in the fellowship can help me see my situation in a different light. With their help, if I’m willing to permit it, the truth will set me free.
“You get to the point where your demons, which are terrifying, get smaller and smaller and you get bigger and bigger.” ~ August Wilson
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What happens when freedom is lost for safety’s sake? What happens when those who offer love require the therapy of martydom? What happens when the intimacy of family devotion is the playground for childhood trauma? Reading between the lines, interpreting facial twitches, and practicing the hopeful clairvoyance of sick minds become the twisted life skills of the resulting adult. All criticism carries the weight of divine judgement. Appease, withdraw, or lash out.
I cannot do this. I am going to chose to withdraw from this blog for a bit. I need to work on this pain. It is overflowing in a time when my country doesn’t need me to live in the vulnerability of this honest program. At least, not in this public expression. I cannot transmit something I do not have. Forgive me, dear reader. My country has become too much like my family of origin. As I leave, I quote my sponsor who posted this a few days ago. It is so very true:
“It’s easy to believe that people in our government are incompetent but, when I see the level of stupidity on one issue after another, month after month, it’s hard to believe that they aren’t doing these things on purpose. I’m fighting depression everyday because I fear the state of our country that my Son will have to live in. I’m a veteran but, I never experienced anything like the brave soldiers who fought in Afghanistan. My heart breaks for the people who are feeling betrayed right now. When I was a young man, I was taught to be grateful that I lived in the greatest country in the world. I learned that the reason for it’s greatness was the principles in our founding documents. I was taught about the foundation of our legal system, the Ten Commandments. My grandfather was a Bham police officer and my father was a firefighter. Many family members served in the various branches of the military. One uncle retired as a master sergeant after having fought in Korea. My father was in the pacific while serving in the US Navy. It seems that everything I was taught has been turned upside down. I watch people look straight in the camera on national television and lie their ass off. I watch people get caught breaking the law and suffer no consequences. I see our legal system being used to persecute patriots and Christians. I watch an 81 year old woman in Congress work night and day for more power while trying to take away more and more of our freedom. You would think she would want to retire and spend this time with her kids and grandkids. I watch a senile old man propted up and used as a figurehead that we call president. I have many friends who vote for a Democrat party that doesn’t even exist anymore. They don’t understand that it morphed into the Socialist party. Many times, I’ve voted for the people on the right because I thought they were “the lesser of two evils.” Now, I see that both sides are corrupt and need to be replaced but, would a younger group be any better? They have been taught that America is racist and evil. Some people tell me not to worry because God has a plan. I pray this is true because I can’t see a positive outcome without a drastic change of direction. I pray that God will Bless America.” ~ Charles N.
Daily Reprieve 
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