Endigar 690 ~ When Faith is Missing

From the Daily Reflections of February 4;

Sometimes A.A. comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have tried faith and found it wanting. They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 28)

I was so sure God had failed me that I became ultimately defiant, though I knew better, and plunged into a final drinking binge. My faith turned bitter and that was no coincidence. Those who once had great faith hit bottom harder. It took time to rekindle my faith, though I came to A.A. I was grateful intellectually to have survived such a great fall, but my heart felt callous. Still, I stuck with the A.A. program; the alternatives were too bleak! I kept coming back and gradually my faith was resurrected.





How did I lose my faith in the vortex of a chaos storm? I thought it would stand the test of time, resistant to anything life could muster. The death of my sons, the feeling of betrayal and abandonment in my marital severance, and the fearful rejection of my fellowship of faith left me in a very bewildered state. I turned to alcohol and it quickly turned on me.

The worst time of my life was when I no longer had the faith to be angry with God. I looked into the darkness and understood that I was absolutely alone. At this moment I left behind old ways of thinking, but could find nothing to answer the call of my gaping wound. I served in the military, and when my problems with alcohol revealed themselves, I was volun-told to go to rehab and I began a quest for sobriety that led me to AA and that Fellowship introduced me to the Gomu (God of my understanding). I am grateful for my restored faith that actually grants me a source of spiritual power.

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