Endigar 689 ~ Filling the Void

From the Daily Reflections of February 3;

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 47).

I was always fascinated with the study of scientific principles. I was emotionally and physically distant from people while I pursued Absolute Knowledge. God and spirituality were meaningless academic exercises. I was a modern man of science, knowledge was my Higher Power. Given the right set of equations, life was merely another problem to solve. Yet my inner self was dying from my outer man’s solution to life’s problems and the solution was alcohol. In spite of my intelligence, alcohol became my Higher Power. It was through the unconditional love which emanated from A.A. people and meetings that I was able to discard alcohol as my Higher Power. The great void was filled. I was no longer lonely and apart from life. I had found a true power greater than myself, I had found God’s love. There is only one equation which really matters to me now: God is in A.A.





I see believing, as it is used in the 12 Steps, as having a knowing that something is in actual existence and is something I can invest my trust in. Participation in the program begins to provide evidence through personal experience and observation to strengthen that trust. I just have to keep coming back with a willingness to believe. This God of my understanding is a real entity that is loving and that ultimately, has to become infinite enough to counter any argument that my corrupted isolating ego might offer to re-assume charge of my life. As John Green wrote in “Fault in Our Stars,” some infinities are bigger than other infinities. I do not need GOMU to fulfill dogmatic demands of being omnipresent and omnipotent throughout the entire Universe. I just need It to be everything in my tight little universe. I have to be willing to believe that there is something out there that cares about me and can intuitively become everything in the creation of a connected ego.


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