Endigar 688 ~ Rescued by Surrendering

From the Daily Reflections of February 2;

Characteristic of the so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity. . . . Inwardly the alcoholic brooks no control from man or God. He, the alcoholic, is and must be the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that position.  (A.A. Comes of Age, page 311)

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us die alcoholic deaths, fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our ego, while others seem to sober up effortlessly in A.A.?” Help from a Higher Power, the gift of sobriety, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to stop drinking coincided with my willingness to accept the suggestions of the men and women of A.A. I had to surrender, for only by reaching out to God and my fellows could I be rescued.

 

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New-York-City-Tours-statue-of-liberty-night

I can remember fighting hard against the concept of surrender when I first sought help for my alcoholism. I preferred to assist in the planning of my rise from the ashes. This was a continuation of the persistent self-deception that if I carefully planned my consumption of my favorite intoxicates, I would know a powerful freedom and a renewed happiness. When I was forced to admit that this union was and would always be pathological for me, I still wanted to retain the ego that had bound me to this course of futility. It was the only ego formation I had invested my trust in.  This is what I had to surrender because this was the power generator of my alcoholism, the seed of my ultimate destruction. In order to recreate my life, I had to agree in the initial conspiracy to destroy the internal tyrant of my own ruin.

In order for me to do that, I was introduced to the prospect that I needed to develop an intuitive knowing that there is a Power greater than myself, a Power outside of my warped ego’s domain that can direct and strengthen me in the birth of a new ego that is catalyzed through connections of usefulness and compassion. I pray that my life not be the result of that old isolating, destructive self-will but a product of a will united to the loving and infinite God of my understanding.

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