Endigar 283
From Endigar 277;
~ My failure is inevitable. Thus I will disappoint all those who are close to me, eventually. I respond to this idea with a strong need to withdraw and hide. I procrastinate. I fall into incapacitating depression. There is a possible new idea that Gomu (God of my understanding) may be replacing this one with; Success is inevitable when I grab hold of those things that are apart of my purpose, my path. Failure is inevitable when I refuse to let go of those things that are not apart of my destiny.
~ If I fail, I deserve to die. What remains of my honor demands it. Is there no hope for escape? The fear this idea engenders creates a last-minute panic on the tasks I have accumulated through procrastination.
~ You must hate yourself to love another. The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody. This causes me to resist the natural growth of relationships, or If I desire for the relationship to grow, I prepare myself for absolute martyrdom. It has a corrosive effect on trust. Freedom becomes escape from commitments in love. In discussion with the Moon Shadow guide, we discovered that I don’t believe that empathy is weakness, but, my empathy and compassion makes me weak and vulnerable. Another idea revealed in the Moonlight; There may be only one answer to this dilemma and that is to become a predator. The Moon Shadow guide also said that he believed I was mistaking co-dependency for compassion.
These three ideas seem to be related to one another. The last one speaks to the warped thinking that comes from a well indoctrinated co-dependency, and the top two where developed to support the demands of assuming god-like responsibilities for lives of others in my intimate environment. There is no doubt in my mind that this gets to the root of my useless ideas. There is no doubt in my mind that I am powerless to extinguish, modify, or minimize it. And I am very certain that it makes my life a chaotic hell.
And if I believe that the only way to love others is to hate me, imagine the effect that has on my relationship with God. If loving God means that I am to become a martyr, imagine what service work will feel like. No wonder I get depressed after speaking, or doing anything remotely selfless and spiritual. I am supposed to hate myself. And if I feel that I have failed and disappointed God and everyone close to me, no wonder I walk around with a feeling that I am not supposed to be here. I should be dead. I am not and therefore I am wrong. So the following ideas about God probably find their root in the deep-seated co-dependency revealed above.
~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species. This idea is not useful to recovery or spiritual development. The band-aid solution I created for it is that I am willing to be apart of God’s conspiracy because of my own philosophy of the benefits of manifested personal mythology. I enlist in his cause to empower humans, not just control them. I do not surrender if I become aware the elements of “loving” are the elements of ultimate suppression. For the most part, my current understanding of the God conspiracy passes for what we human’s perceive as loving, that is personal empowerment. But this is tentative and not useful to long-term sobriety.
~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore. He uses my heart’s desires against me. He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others. When this idea rises, I feel that I am in such a predicament that I cannot trust my mind, my perception, my environment. Nothing is real, because it is temporary. This idea causes me to fear going crazy, and fuels a desire to lash out at God and his agents, his men in black, his mafia.
~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator. This line of thinking cause me to see the parable of the talents in a different light. I see the demonization of masculine energy. Atheism is used to push me into life as a predator. Agnosticism could be a self-protective delusion.
So, at Oak Mountain, I turned the care and direction of my co-dependent life over to Gomu. (God of my understanding). I have done my individual work and now I continue on with the steps, and that means I will need to establish a 4th / 5th step discussion with the guide He has designated for me.
Daily Reprieve 
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