Endigar 952
From Courage to Change of Jul 13:
How many days of my life have I wasted? I missed the joys of my children’s early years because I was preoccupied with the alcoholic. I rejected overtures of friendship from co-workers so that I could fret uninterrupted about what was bothering me. Not once during those days did I think about my right to enjoy the day.
Al-Anon has led me to see that i have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync-the rest of the world or me?
Today’s Reminder
Today I will live in the present and find what I can to enjoy there. If there is pain, I will accept that too. But my pain does not have to completely overshadow the enjoyable parts of my reality. I will participate in making more of my joy: I may join in a conversation at work or at a meeting, tell a joke at the dinner table, or laugh with a friend. Just for today, I might even allow myself to sing.
“Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.” ~ From the Sanskrit Salutation of the Dawn
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I do think there is another way to living life that isn’t lost in the paralysis of analysis. I’m beginning to understand that I have choices—even in the smallest moments. I get to decide how I see my life. I can stay buried under regret and anxiety, or I can gently shift my gaze to now—to this breath, this cup of coffee, this bit of birdsong outside the window.
The truth is, when I’m cloaked in old pain or present fear, joy feels like an intruder. I want to swat it away because it doesn’t match the story I’m living. But maybe the story is overdue for a rewrite. Maybe it’s okay to let in a little sunshine, even if there are still clouds. Maybe I’m allowed to laugh without guilt, to sing off-key in the car, to tell a silly story and be heard. Just for today.
It’s not denial—it’s a deeper kind of honesty. One that acknowledges pain, but also makes room for joy. That says: I don’t need to earn happiness. I only need to receive it.
I’ll try. I’ll take part in my life. I’ll show up in small ways. A smile. A kind word. A practical joke in the bathroom. I might even rehearse Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.
Maybe I’m finally learning to tune in to the world of the giggling grope.
Daily Reprieve 
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