Endigar 610 ~ Overcoming Loneliness
From the Daily Reflections of November 17;
Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn’t quite belong. (As Bill Sees It, page 90)
The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that contact through prayer and meditation.
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This holiday season is very quiet. I have not decorated or put up a tree or felt the agonizing rush to complete a gift list. I am no longer married, and my children are forging their own lives. My Father is with me but is quiet and awaiting his time to cross over. With prayer and meditation, I sense this is not punishment, but a calling to intimacy with my Higher Power. Removing all that rattles my brain and distracts my heart, I feel a loving caress. Being alone now feels like being chosen by Gomu (God of my understanding). I could fight this and hunt down human contact, but I am honored by the pursuit. All else seems paltry. This place was hard won, working through resentments and fears. The Steps laid the groundwork for this new and profound knowing, this thing some call faith. I will gratefully embrace this beautiful loneliness, and the ugliness that it used to represent slips away. Loneliness becomes solitude as I unite with God.
NINE YEARS LATER: My Father passed away in 2017, about three years after I wrote the preceding words. My offspring have sprung off, as it should be. I love any visitation I gain from them, but I value the sacredness of my Homestone, the reality of connection in the fellowship, and the lessening of fears that caused me to attempt to milk my Higher Power. When I come home and secure my perimeter, I work to become smarter, stronger, and more efficient. I no longer feel as if I am being punished for unidentifiable crimes. When I slow down, there are whispers of significance. I try to respond with gratitude. It is what I feel at this moment.
Daily Reprieve 
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