Endigar 581 ~ Solace for Confusion

From the Daily Reflections of October 20;

Obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion. He thinks himself lost to the comfort of any conviction at all. He cannot attain in even a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic, or the atheist. He is the bewildered one.   (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 28)

The concept of God was one that I struggled with during my early years of sobriety. The images that came to me, conjured from my past, were heavy with fear, rejection and condemnation. Then I heard my friend Ed’s image of a Higher Power: As a boy he had been allowed a litter of puppies, provided that he assume responsibility for their care. Each morning he would find the unavoidable “byproducts”of the puppies on the kitchen floor. Despite frustration, Ed said he couldn’t get angry because”that’s the nature of puppies.” Ed felt that God viewed our defects and shortcomings with a similar understanding and warmth. I’ve often found solace from my personal confusion in Ed’s calming concept of God.




My loss of faith opened the door to my alcoholism.  In my post-marital apocalypse that ensued after 2003, I no longer believed there was anything beyond death.  It was a sickening epiphany to live out.  As the character Graham Hess in the movie Signs said, “deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they’re on their own. And that fills them with fear.”  That was my lot.  I felt ashamed that I had trustingly brought two beautiful children into a world that would eventually exterminate them.  My self-awareness only tormented me and all loving relationships were tragedies waiting to happen.  Neither agnosticism nor atheism provided comfort or guidance.  I found it as foolish as religion.  I wished that my state of mind could simply have been described as confusion.  Everyday was a replay of the same horror.  I was so grateful for the oblivion of alcohol.

I was sent to rehab and confronted with the prospect that I either reconnect with a Higher Power or I die tragically.  I am amazed that the program was able to escort me out of that black hole universe and restore to me a faith that is so much more real and effective.  And I am grateful for it.

Artwork:  Wanderer above the Sea of Fog

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