Endigar 299

I have a new sobriety date.  3 Sep 2011.

The power went out yesterday, all day and most of today.  Windstorm echoing the violence of our coasts, the hurricane season is underway.  Appropriate backdrop for the chaos of yet another relapse.

I walked around my apartment, struggling to do and be what I need to be…It was quiet on the outside, loud on the inside.  I am slow and inconsistent in my college studies.  My assassin is strong today.  I am behind.  Do I have a learning difference that retards my progress?  Or just an overwhelming need to escape this reality?

And in the military, it seems I am slow in running because of the weakness in my lungs and the inconsistency of my heart.

God please help me want to live.

I do want to live, but not like this.  I am not suicidal right now, but I would like to earn the right to go ahead and pass beyond the veil.  My dreams do not and never have fit this life.

I care about others, but what is the relevance to that if I cannot succeed in caring for myself?

I am spiritually inconsistent.  I am tossed to and fro.

I have had wonderful things and relationships often in spite of my assassin’s assaults.  I have no complaints, nor do I blame anyone else.  No, really…I don’t have a black list for anyone today.  At least not right now.

Except myself.  And I am trying to get to the place that I can observe me without judgment.

Hey, this is a bit of hoot.  I wrote the following nine rules when I came face to face with my own distractibility, inconsistency, and procrastination this morning.  They were going to be the rules of academic obsession, but morphed into these:

1.  Does it work?  Use it!  Can you make it simpler?  Do it!

2.  Use sex-spiritual rituals to protect growth.

3.  Use sex-spiritual adventures to break limitations.

4.  Experience sex-spirituality in forbidden goals.

5.  Read Everything!

6.  Arrive early, leave late, exercise more.

7.  Start early, work late, sleep less.

8.  Write a priority list, then invert it.  (I almost always have it backwards)

9.  Do it now, today, as soon as assigned.

The storm has passed, and the power is back on.  I am still alive.

It is a bad habit that I am pretty sure what the assasin is saying to me, and get confused about the voice of the Infinite One.  I guess because the assasin has a home in my head, and I have to seek out time to actually know and connect with the Universe.  It seems it has become so much easier to self destruct.

I WANT TO LIVE!  God … help me.  Please.

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