Endigar 198

My first 4th step / moral inventory was much easier than this one.  This one is proving to be particularly painful.  I had not really expected that.  I think I conducted the express version the first time around.  I attempted to hand off a computer print out to my sponsor, to see if I was going in the right direction, and to see if would could discuss it in piece-mill.  He rejected it en todo.  Pen to paper, not computer print outs.  Inwardly I balked, and even made comments that he must believe there is some kind of magic to putting it on paper and handwriting it.  He seemed to agree, and that it keeps us from trying to find that easier, softer way.

I completed the first column, listing what I am resentful at on a word document.  Then I loaded that list into a spreadsheet and number coded my specific items.  The second column is populated by a brief explanation as to the cause of my resent.  I entered the numbers that corresponded with my listing in the second column of the spreadsheet.  Then I letter coded the seven areas the BB lists as “Affects my;” A. sex relations, B. self-esteem (fear), C. security, D. personal relationship, E. pride (my need for), F. ambitions, G. pocket book.  So column 3 would be populated with codes such as 1=A,C,E,F or 19=A-G.  All this was inspired from the guidance on page 65 in the BB.

On page 67, the list is evaluated without the thought of the fault of others.  I am only looking at me.  The fourth column is what I call the four sin analysis.  “Where had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking,  and frightened?”  On my spreadsheet I actually listed out these four topics of self-analysis and would put the item number in one, none, some, or all of these four.  I stayed up until around 4am completing this process.  Today I am working on putting pen to paper based off of this captured information.  I have a total of 62 resentments, and I have written out 3.  I guess that puts me at a 4.8% completion rate on resentments.  Numbers seem to calm me.

I guess I can just keep posting this ratio until I am finally finished.  I feel like crap.  Sponsor has advised me to make meetings while doing this.  Make many, share, connect.  I tried last night, didn’t feel like really talking to anyone.  But I wanted to.  Just couldn’t.  I am tired.

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It is an hour later, 3:30pm.  Another resentment to paper.  6.5%.  I am at this awful place of not wanting.  I do not want to be intoxicated, and yet I do not want to be sober.  I hurt.  I’m tired.  I need a meeting.

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4:00pm and another resentment is on paper.  8%.

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4:30pm – 9.6% – I have got to take a break.  For my own encouragement, and for your clarification, I have %100 completition on the first 3 columns.  The 9.6% is for the fourth and final column.  I am going to cook up some Tilapia and, by the way, Happy Easter Fertility Day, Christian Ressurection Day, Jewish Passover, and for me, Zerucave’ Erection day.

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