Endigar 177

In the third step of this recovery program, one exercise is to establish a working concept of your Higher Power.  The program isn’t giving you a HP, only saying that you have some working model, something that will give you a spiritual focus.  A non-god HP is as legitimate as a religious god HP.  It matters not.

But I was considering my sponsee, and this question of the concept of god.  Many sponsors will have you write out what you don’t like about god, and what you like.  Your HP thus becomes defined by what you like.  For me, the problem was that  I used that exercise to create my god.  If I am its creator, it is definitely not a power greater than myself.  I prayed about this, because it seems to be such an important beginning.  Then it hit me – that intuitive zap. 

First ask and answer this question – what does your HP see when it-she-he looks at you.  No fair answering dismissive terms like “a ball of shit” or “a bad person.”  Sit a moment and describe what you believe this being, who can see into you, actually sees.

As an example, I wrote this;  My HP sees a caring Father, Lover, Master, a well-intentioned man who is unstable, up and down, ambitious but second-guessing.  often times HP sees me give into fear, hesitant, withdrawing, assaulted by guilt, procrastinates and fails to follow through.  He sees me distracted from important things, confused, and unfocused.  Although HP sees that I am intelligent, ItSheHe sees that I am often unable to truly interact with others and really get down and do the work that needs to be done.  Thus my intelligence becomes irrelevant.  I feel that ItSheHe is often disappointed because HP is unable to count on me, as many of my loved ones and dependants have also experienced.  I am very creative but it is stuffed into a protective ball of wax because of personal fears.  HP sees a poor steward of time and resources.  He sees that I am really unclear what I am all about.

Now, when I look back over what I have just written, I see my current understanding of my HP.  Although ItSheHe loves me and may be well-intentioned, it is unstable and chaotic.  It expresses ambition without following through.  It is irrelivant, distracted, withdraws, procrastinates.  Those things that I count as important, HP ignores.  I am often disappointed because I cannot depend on my HP. 

The second question is, what would I like my HP to see.  My answer was that I would like ItSheHe to see a focused, stable, man.  Someone who is strong and clear in communication, who is faithful to his own expression, his own word and promises, and thus to those who love and depend on me.  I would like for my HP to see that I exercise gifts of intelligence and creativity in an empowering way.  ItSheHe would see me as a confident and effective steward of time and resource, with a sharp and active mind.

The final question is, what do I not want the HP to see in me.  My answer was that I wish that my HP would no longer see me depressed, or fearful, and riddled with guilt.  I would like ItSheHe to never have to gaze upon my procrastination or second-guessing again.

So, the second question helps me describe what my HP needs to look like for me to stay sober.  My HP is focused, stable and masculine.  My HP is strong and clear in communication.  When I meditate, and prayer, I will know what it is saying to me.  And once my HP communicates something to me, ItSheHe is faithful to that expression, to whatever promise given to me.  I can count on it.  What I viewed as chaos was the manifestation of creativity sent to empower me.  My HP will mess up my universe to insure that I am living my life in the most powerful way possible.  My HP is a highly effective steward of time and resource, full of energy and sharpness.  If I need a parent, lover, master, or just a friend, my HP can be any or all of them, because ItSheHe is more than all those things.  Most of the time I just need a friend, and then  I just call ItSheHe John.  If I call my HP Gomu, I need a parent.  And if I call ItSheHe the Lady in Leather, I need a lover, an intimate.

As for the final question – the characteristics of depression, fear, guilt are not my HP.  Any voice that amplifies those feelings I reject and begin looking to see why I have become disconnected.  Anything that makes me second-guess and procrastinate is a anti-spiritual force.  Most of my personal religious experiences have amplified this energy in my life.

Anyway, I am going to add these questions to the “explore 164” document.

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