Endigar 159

I am so very tired tonight.  I have worked all day collecting info from the Big Book on powerlessness.  I seemed to think it is my own personal responsibility to make a contribution to this discussion.  I went to the meeting and it was not right.  Topic lead into relationships.  I just didn’t have anything to say, and no one appeared to have anything to say to me.  I am tired of it all.  I probably need to lie down and get some rest.  It all seems so pointless.  So ridiculous.  Maybe god enjoys rough intimacy.  Maybe it is pleasing to it that i am humiliated.  Maybe he has a special gag and straps for me.  Maybe he wants to wait until i go to bed and show me what powerlessness really means. 

My sponsor is not answering me.  Probably busy.  I’m not dying, so I can deal with my own shit.  But he didn’t really acknowledge me in the meeting tonight either.  I guess that goes both ways.  I hate dealing with people.

If my father was not still alive, if my slave had left me, if my children did not exist – I would love to die tonight.  No more struggling with myself.  with god.  Either oblivion or freedom. 

Am i being segregated – punished – for reading that book?  Surely not. 

OK.  sleep.

43

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