Endigar 145

I want to try something different.   That part of my life that is lodged in my heart, unable to achieve expression because of various ingrained fears, I am going to offer it to the HP to see if It can bring a level of life to it I have been unable to.  My premise is that if this Entity is creator, then there are certain things created in my being that It desires to see unfold, to live.  It would give me a hunger to fulfill it.  What if a “trick” to this life is swapping my place here for a more permanent and powerful place there, wherever that is.  The price tag is taking bits and pieces of my present existence and surrendering them to the will and care of the HP, as spoken of in the 3rd step.  I create the place holder within me by knowing myself.  Then I surrender this place to the HP.  The HP does with it whatever It wills.  “Not my will, but yours.”  In another dimension, my new existence awakens a little.  The more I am able to surrender here, the more powerful I become there. 

My slave sent me a text the other night, when she was overwhelmed and taxed at her job.  It said something along the lines; I have to get me into a real job or quit sending the real me to that job.  A seed planted and began to unfold as I studied the problem of fear and doubt in my own life.

I am continually drawn to serve our country in the military.  Yet I am getting older and the prospect of performing and failing creates excessive stomach acid.  The prospect of succeeding and being buried in overwhelming responsibilities that isolate me from others depresses me.  I am powerless over my offered service to this country and as a result my entire life has become unmanageable.  This surrender is a desperate act.  I need help living.

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