Endigar 53

I went back to a church that sponsors a program called Celebrate Recovery.  It was the church I had great resentments for, particularly for its pastor.  I felt I had been a VICTIM of a witch hunt and that they were instrumental in the break-up of my marriage.  Resentments are inner courtrooms that record the negative impact others have had on us.  But the 4th step taught me that when I view myself as a victim, it is usually because I am disregarding my impact and amplifying everyone else’s.  There are exceptions of course.  But recognizing my part in a scenario repaints my self-image as being someone who had power, used it wrongly, and others reacted.  The 4th step tells me that in my life, I have the greatest impact.  I am the giant.  And when I release others, I deny their right to rent space in my head.  This is the beginning of being empowered by this program.  That power is sealed by changing the way I connect with others.  In steps 8/9, the amends process affirms the mightiness of my impact, allows me to take responsibility for it, and causes me to reconnect with others in a way that supports my sobriety.  I already knew how to connect to others in such a way as to support my alcoholism.  That way has to be undone. 

Tonight, the pastor and I reconnected.  I am not sure he would enjoy the nitty gritty of my spiritual life and how I exercise my personal freedom with the Higher Power, but so what.  We embraced one another.  I could witness him being of benefit to other addicts and alcoholics, and could see that gift of his in action.  In reality, we are all fucked up in some way or another.  We are all in this boat together.  No one survives under a social microscope.  And both my sponsees were there and benefited from my walking back into that church. 

And I have no desire to become religious.  No guilt.  No need to appease an uninterested god.  I walked out of that building and I am still free.  For that I am beyond grateful.  Good night all.

2 Responses to “Endigar 53”

  1. Endigar,

    Hey… just got a chance to catchup on your blog and what’s going on with you. It sounds like you are making great progress and I applaud you for your honesty, willingness and openness.

    Thank you again for the wonderful comment on my blog…

    John

  2. Good to hear from you, John. Thanks.

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