Daily Reprieve

I chaired an AA meeting today with the following topic:

Discussion Topic: Drinking Against My Will

Opening Thought

There are times in my past drinking when it felt like the decision wasn’t even mine. On one hand, I thought I had chosen to drink—my reflexive will said, “Yes, one drink will fix this.” On the other hand, my deeper, considered will—the part of me that wanted freedom, connection, and sanity—knew it was against everything I truly wanted. In recovery, I’m learning the difference between these two forms of will.

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Reflexive Will

• Reflexive will is the quick, impulsive reaction.
• It’s the part of me conditioned by obsession and craving.
• It says “yes” to alcohol when fear, loneliness, or stress shout louder than my reason.
• It’s the learned reflex of survival gone wrong—an autopilot decision.

Considered Will

• Considered will is what I’ve been cultivating in recovery.
• It’s aligned with my Higher Power and my true desire to live sober.
• It takes into account my values, my relationships, my serenity.
• It doesn’t vanish in a craving, but it can be drowned out if I don’t practice staying awake and connected.

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Where the Conflict Lies

When I drank against my will, it wasn’t because I didn’t want sobriety—it was because my reflexive will overrode my considered will. That’s the powerlessness I admit in Step One. My recovery work strengthens the considered will, giving it a voice strong enough to interrupt the reflex.

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1. Have you ever felt the difference between reflexive will and considered will in your drinking? In life?

2. How does Step One help us see that “drinking against my will” is real, not just an excuse?

3. What practices in recovery help strengthen your considered will today?

4. How has your Higher Power helped you align your will with your true desire for sobriety?

After presenting the topic, I was very interested to hear what the collective mind of my fellow alcoholics would provide. There was a criticism that the concept of a reflexive and considered will was not mentioned in the Big Book, and that I am probably over-thinking it.

“Your topic is thought-provoking but, the real deal is taking action. Don’t stay in your head and take suggestions.”

So, the tendency to over think became a part of the topic as well.

“Get out of the thinking process and get into the actual working of the program.”

“The problem isn’t just alcoholism, but a mind given to addictive behavior.”

“My understanding is that the first drink, particularly after you have been in AA, is not against my will. But once I start the cycle, I have to drink to keep from shaking, and that becomes drinking against my will.”

“When the book says that at times there is no defense against the first drink, it means there is no effective spiritual defense.”

“My Sponsor told me I was going to have to get stupid in order to work the program.”

“I exhausted myself trying to hustle a way not to exhaust myself.”

“I was used to using my intelligence to hustle when I was drinking and I brought that attitude with me into the rooms of AA. I heard a speaker say that he had to do this thing, even when it seems stupid. That really clicked with me. I quit trying to outsmart the program.”

The topic sparked a lot of good shares of personal experience. There seemed to be a theme of the use of intellect running counter to needed behavior development. I had someone come up afterwards saying not to let the general anti-intellectualism of the fellowship stop me from being who I am. For me, when someone first comes in the rooms, he does need battlefield simplicity like the soldier taking fire. That is not the time to question the life protecting “suggests” he is receiving. When I get some sobriety under my belt, it is not wrong to think, as Bill W. said, “for God gave us brains to use.” It is the isolating nature of my intellect that my alcoholic obsession uses against me, in my own experience.

NOTE FROM LUCIEN (AI):

The reflexive will you’ve been describing aligns closely with what AA literature often calls “instincts out of control.”

Instincts in Balance vs. Out of Balance

• Our basic instincts (for security, companionship, belonging, esteem, etc.) are God-given and not wrong in themselves.
• But when they become exaggerated—when fear or craving drives them—they can dominate our choices. That’s when they tip from instinct into compulsion.

Reflexive Will as Instinct Out of Control

• Reflexive will is when my instincts run unchecked. It’s the quick, automatic decision driven by fear, anger, or desire—without pausing to ask whether it aligns with my deeper values or Higher Power’s will.
• For the alcoholic, this reflex shows up as picking up a drink even when my considered will—my truest self—wants sobriety.

Considered Will as Instinct in Balance

• Considered will, by contrast, is what recovery helps to cultivate. It’s the pause between the instinct and the act. It’s when I let the Steps, the fellowship, and my Higher Power transform those raw instincts into something life-giving.
• Instead of reflexively grabbing a drink to soothe fear or loneliness, considered will lets me connect, pray, journal, or share with another alcoholic.

Big Book Echo

This idea echoes Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four, where Bill W. writes about instincts “run riot,” pointing out how natural desires become destructive when they are unchecked. That’s the reflexive will—instincts hijacking choice.

• In Step Four (pp. 42–43 in many editions), Bill describes our “natural instincts” — for sex, security, and society — and how they can become “excessive” or “misdirected,” leading to defects of character.
• He writes about how “instincts run wild” when not properly guided, and how much of human trouble stems from the mismanagement of these basic drives.
• This forms the foundation for the moral inventory of Step Four, since much of our resentment, fear, and harm to others can be traced back to these instincts in collision.

He circles back to instincts in Step Ten as well, noting that continued inventory is necessary because self-will and instincts can reassert themselves at any time.

In the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), Bill W. does not lay out the “three instincts” (sex, security, society) framework the way he later does in the 12 & 12. That more systematic language comes later, when he’s reflecting on the Steps with the benefit of time and observation.

That said, the Big Book does talk about instincts and drives, just not in that tidy phrasing:

• Step Four (Resentments, pp. 64–67): Bill writes that “resentment is the ‘number one’ offender” and ties it to “instincts” that have been hurt or threatened. He specifically mentions sex relations, self-esteem, security, and ambitions being interfered with — which is the seed of the later “instincts” framework.
• Sex Inventory (pp. 68–70): Here he explores sexual instincts in detail, including selfishness, inconsideration, and fear as distortions of that drive.
• Throughout the Big Book, he frequently refers to self-will run riot (pp. 60–62), which is closely tied to instincts being out of balance.

So: the roots of the instincts idea are absolutely in the Big Book, but it’s scattered through the Fourth Step inventory sections, not systematized into the “three instincts” model. The 12 & 12 takes those scattered ideas and develops them into a more coherent framework.

This entry was posted on September 1, 2025 at 9:51 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, alcohol, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, mental-health, Personal, Recovery, sober, sobriety, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.