Endigar 506 ~ “Made a List. . .”

From Today’s Daily Reflections;

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, . . . (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 77)

When I approached the Eighth Step, I wondered how I could list all the things that I have done to other people since there were so many people, and some of them weren’t alive anymore. Some of the hurts I inflicted weren’t bad, but they really bothered me. The main thing to see in this Step was to become willing to do whatever I had to do to make these amends to the best of my ability at that particular time. Where there is a will, there’s a way, so if I want to feel better, I need to unload the guilt feelings I have. A peaceful mind has no room for feelings of guilt. With the help of my Higher Power, if I am honest with myself, I can cleanse my mind of these feelings.

END OF QUOTE

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For me, the amends process has been a change in the way I interact with others.  The list of people I had harmed reveals my particular brand of insanity acted out on the world stage.  I asserted my will based on certain self-delusions.  I lived as though anything that could be interpreted as a personal assault was the overriding reality of all life on Earth.  In some way, the struggling mortals surrounding me must compensate me.  I sought to extract payment and was rewarded with greater pain and validation of the world as something I needed to protect myself from.

When I faced the reality about myself in the moral inventory and I could see where I had wronged others, I took advantage of the plan of action provided in the 8th and 9th steps to build a new life based on this personal truth.    There was to be no more cringing in the shadows of my personal horror movie.  From now on, my interactions were going to be motivated by trust and respect for Gomu (God of my understanding) and others.

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