Endigar 319

Resonance from readings?

COURAGE TO CHANGE:  “When I am troubled about what lies ahead, I look back to see where I have been.”  This process is supposed to provide evidence of the progress I have made in the program.  Unfortunately, my memory only seems to pull from mental files that are shrouded in emotional intensity.  I can only recall what I was feeling.  The specific nuggets of magic that come with working the program of recovery are often lost in the fog of general feelings.  I do not gain much from this reading today.

HOPE FOR TODAY: “Gradually, by keeping an open mind and heart, attending meetings, and using the program tools, I became willing to have, and then actually yearned for , a relationship with a Higher Power.  This relationship allows me to share honestly, set boundaries, and express a full range of emotions.  I will be forever grateful to all those people in all those rooms who, while knowing their own truth, allowed me to find mine.”  I am grateful for this non-religious aspect of the program.  I am grateful to have recovered a relationship with Gomu (God of my understanding), that surpassed what I lost at the turn of the century.  Yet, I do not feel terribly close to the Goddess today.  My attitude toward the divine is very laissez faire, this morning.

DAILY REFLECTIONS:  “I can be free of my old enslaving self.  After a while I recognize, and believe in, the good within myself.  I see that I have been loved back to recovery by my Higher Power, who envelops me.”  Enslaving self.  That resonates.  I use so much time just trying to maintain myself.  It has and, unfortunately, continues to be a bit of a burden.

I wish I could just let go.  Even though my relationship with this Gomu is an improvement, it still lacks an ever-present relevance for me.  Or maybe I am just drained from drill weekend.  And from experiencing the same old problems of failure suppressing me.  No choice but to keep pushing on, and accept the fact that the Goddess may be indifferent to the things that are important to me.  Thus, acceptance sounds like learning to give up.  Just quit caring, lose ambition.

And now I have been reminded that if I hope to keep this sobriety, I must be able to give it away.  I must be able to sponsor.  So I will have someone else besides myself to lie to.  No real choice.  Conditional delegated power.

Tired of feeling this.  Faith continues to be a squiggly eel between my fingers.  It seems the best I can achieve is to not to blame Gomu.  A respectful disdain and distance and accepting It’s irrelevance in my life seems to be my path of progress.

“…there has been a revolutionary way of living and thinking.” page 50 of the Big Book.  “…they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.” page 51.

What am I missing?  The deity could answer this for me, but I am almost certain, will not.  Because my memory is filled with a lifetime of desperate appeals to pretty clouds, inspired by fantastic stories.  I have had to learn to be content with silence.  That is my experience.  It is what I remember today.

So, I will move on.  I have no other choice.  Not really.

I fear becoming someone’s sponsor.

2 Responses to “Endigar 319”

  1. Don’t sponsor, not with that mind set. I have passed through many successful years when I wasn’t sponsoring anyone. You can’t give away what you don’t have.

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