Daily Reprieve

English as a language is troublesome to the pursuit of spiritual ideas.  It speaks in what I call “bundle words.”  So many powerful meanings can be wrapped up in one word, meanings that take you in very different directions.  The only way to unravel their meaning is to provide a great deal of context.  Such is the case with the word HONESTY.  And this word is used often in recovery.

When I was in intimate relationships, and heard the question, “I just want you to be honest with me,”  I knew she meant that she wanted to gather enough information from me to control the situation.  It would not be a fair meeting of souls, but a secret trial conducted as I spoke my heart.  Screw that.

When considering the establishment of my sexual sanity in the moral inventory, I had to consider what it meant to be honest per the Big Book.  It is so filled with that bundle word.

This is what I concluded.  I believe that dishonesty comes in three categories and it is important to understand the difference.  Ricochet dishonesty, protective dishonesty, and manipulative dishonesty.  Ricochet dishonesty is dealt with in a process of self-discovery.  Protective dishonesty is the need to address a threat, real or imagined.  Manipulative dishonesty is an attempt to gain consent or compliance by creating an illusionary context for the decision-making process,  External realities are usually outweighed by internal costs, for the manipulator.

Selfishness is another English bundle word.  I believe that the most mutually satisfying sexual relationship is inherently selfish, and to fail to recognize this fact is to fall prey to ricochet dishonesty.  The mate will conclude, over time, “I don’t even know you anymore.”  So in terms of sexual intimacy, there is need recognition selfishness, empathy neutralizing objectification, and impulsive selfishness which is the same as inconsideration and plays out as sexual stupidity.

So when considering my sexual relationships, I modify the Big Book questions as follows:

1.  Where have I been ricochet, protective, or manipulatively dishonest?  Where have I misused need-recognition and empathy neutralization?  Where has my impulsive inconsiderations made me sexually stupid?

2.  The question, “Whom have I hurt?” is also too broad.  Hurting someone else or being hurt by someone can be very beneficial in getting to know yourself or others.  For me, the question is better worded, Whose core have I hurt retarding the expression of their personal mythology?

I found no need to change the remaining questions;

Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness?

Where we at fault, what should we have done instead?

Through the 4th step inventory I have identified the following unuseful ideas that the Assassin in my head uses against me:

1.  God is a manipulator (A co-dependant assertion, a family of origin adaption)

~ God is not interested in me, only in controlling me for his own purposes, to protect his distant control on the human species.

~ God wants to control me for his purposes, wants me to be his sissy whore.  He uses my heart’s desires against me.  He has no desire for my ultimate success, only my advancement to control others.

~ If I get out of line, God has a kill switch to amplify my lusts and natural desires to consume me, or, if I am able to overcome that, God can use my disconnected strength to turn me into a predator.

2.  In order to love others, you must hate yourself (confusing compassion and empathy with co-dependency)

~ You must hate yourself to love another.  The depth of effective love is measured in the level of self-hatred you can embody.

3.  I lack potency. (Public school peer interaction in conjunction with distrust of outsiders)

~ The concepts and thoughts that I value will be overshadowed by a stronger presence.  The products of my mind and heart will be dismissed as insignificant in a crowd, and assaulted in the presence of a strong presentation.

~ Uncontrolled and spiritually undeveloped people will attack or hurt me.

~ Personal assertions that are not wrapped in a mantle of pain, depression, and anguish will not be taken seriously.  Assertions expressed with happiness will be seen as frivolous and thus, discarded.

~ Honesty is a social control mechanism and has very little to do with the discovery of truth.

~ My internal reality is more important than my external reality

4.  I am bound by family icons of devotion, resulting in the two statements on failure.  Outside the family, inevitable and lethal.

~ If I desire to be free of emotional blackmail and manipulation, I must accept that failure is inevitable and I will disappoint those who become intimate, who get close to me.

~ If my failure is exposed, what is left of my honor demands my death.

This entry was posted on July 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.