Endigar 272

I will have 30 days, again, tomorrow.  Everyone has a formula that they failed to live up to, when they return to the rooms.  They say they quit coming to meetings, or they stopped working the steps, or they quit praying or networking with other clean & sober people.  They didn’t get involved in service work.  Never sponsored or quit sponsoring others. 

The day before I relapsed, I spoke at an H & I, I had been in contact with my sponsor, although my attendance at meetings had begun to slack off.  No sponsoring, still haven’t finished my amends.  Part of the problem is that I don’t really feel that guilty for the transgressions, but know that I probably should, or that it was the only way to invert resentments so that I could abandon the powerlessness of being a victim.

But mostly, I just felt stuck in my sobriety.  I wanted to temporarily use alcohol to see if I could find a better answer.  Although my sobriety was interrupted, my spiritual pursuit continues. 

Damage Done:  I lied to someone I had worked hard to build up trust with, DUI, and that sense of futility that comes with starting over. 

I am applying power-exchange principles to my Higher Power.  Following intuitive guidance.  But fear and self-loathing are beginning to interfere with my ability to hear Her.

I have a writing project I want to give back to recovery.  That might be a way I can serve.  I think this is something that She was showing to me.  I know that if I stay still, paralysis will find me once more.

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