Daily Reprieve

I was doing alright at the beginning of this day.  Then I went to a meeting.  I managed to talk, to “share.”  I wanted to connect.  But I left feeling more distant.  Something came out in this vain attempt.  Seven days ago, I went to an H and I meeting at Bradford.  I got to lead the topic.  I did it.  And it was definitely some rambling regurgitation.  I really hate hearing me talk for the most part. 

The room was packed with desperate souls.  After I set the ball to rolling, I noticed that a lady had been looking at me.  I thought she was smiling, or maybe it was a grimace.  Then she introduced herself to the group and stood up, “I have to stand because I am so short.”  Bullshit.  Then she began to testify about her faith in Jesus and how she had been married for 3900 years and how wonderful and powerful the love of her god was.  Her jaw was fixed.  She was testifying, defending her faith.  I was her satan.  I had told the blind men and elephant story.  I had mentioned my own problems with religion, and my difficulty in swallowing Dr. Bob’s writing. 

After she took her stand, she acted as if she was coughing, and left the meeting.

I had played it down, and didn’t realize that this was still bothering me.  I thought that I had come so far in developing tolerance.  Is it because I wear dark clothing or maybe I just look dangerous?  I don’t know. 

Sometimes I just absolutely hate god.  I hate the concept of him, the social psychosis that some refer to as faith.  I hate it all.  So burn me at the stake.  Please.  Quit pretending that you give a damn about me and just do what it is in your nature to do.  Wipe me out.  Humiliate and destroy your critics.  Perform the genocide necessary to build a beloved promised land of blithering idiots.  Flood the earth.  Consume another Sodom.  Kill the Canaanites, men, women, and children.  And build an eternal hell for the majority of the people you created.

And then call me satan. 

How do I overcome this resentment for god and religion?  Why am I so angry?

I will hate myself in the morning for this dribble.  It is where I have landed tonight.  10th Step.  If I am disturbed it’s because I am a pile of shit, not the other person. 

Time for bed.

This entry was posted on November 10, 2009 at 12:38 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Addiction, Alcoholism, Journal, Life, Personal, Recovery, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.