Endigar 209

I went to the candlelight meeting at the Hut.  My sponsor asked me to come with him to a smaller split off meeting, away from the newcomer’s meeting.   Topic:  Dealing with the character flaw of anger.  Interesting comments, but I have heard them before.  I know that my time in the second treatment facility we talked of anger.  I had identified several forms of it in myself.  Big surprise.  Anger is not wrong when it is within boundaries, when it is used to help facilitate some needed change.  But it can also be used to mask other terrible things that are going on inside.  I can be afraid or hurt and anger will hide that fact when I glance in the mirror.  A clinched fist cast a more impressive reflection than a cringing, weeping child.  All the guys, talking about how they desired to see this short-coming eliminated, said things like “I just wanted to punch his eyeballs through the otherside of his head,”  or “I used to be the kind that would retaliate with a knife in the kidney and be out the door before you knew what happened.”  My personal favorite was, “All my scars are on the front of my body, that’s just how I am.”  That need for bravado rushes in with a strong masculine desire for respect and significance, and stays because no one knows how to manifest strength and still deal with the reality of their own fears, the poisonous hurts that will not heal. 

My sponsor dropped a couple of interesting seeds;

I’ve got an I problem with a We solution.

Actions lead; the emotions will follow.

My disease has amplified my emotions in a way that I haven’t had to deal with in a long while.  I am dripping with self-hatred.  I cannot seem to escape this harsh self-judgment.  I’ve had nightmares the past two nights.  If I call someone, what do I talk about.  I don’t want to hear myself whining over the phone. 

My mind and emotions are working against me.

I’ll play computer games I guess.  Maybe I’ll go to bed.  Maybe I’ll call my sponsor.

One Response to “Endigar 209”

  1. […] about how something made us feel. last night i was tag surfing and came across a post by Endigar. the post talked of dealing with anger, and the following piece stuck with me: “no one knows […]

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