Endigar 203

Last night,  I was thinking about when I first began having problems making my PT run for the Army, now the Reserves.  I remembered my last really good run was back in Augsburg, Germany.  Then it hit me, that is when my former wife and I lost our baby Josiah.   Then I remembered that was when I first got a computer, and discovered free online porn.  I was obsessed and overwhelmed.  My wife caught me, and I was so very ashamed.  It was inconsistent with what I believed, and she had her own baggage so she really lost it.  The only way I could keep things together was to grovel.  We went to the church minister and he could relate because something similar had happened with him.  This would be a common revelation as I would seek to regain some purity of heart.  Male ministers hurting and hiding and having to go through some sort of hurdle to keep their marriages from suffering, to prove they are still devoted. 

My former wife and I had make up sex and she got pregnant from that one shot.  I felt like I had been forgiven and that we were going to be strengthened as a couple.  About that same time my unit was being moved to central Germany and the base in Augsburg was shutting down.  I was apart of the team staying behind to complete that process.  We were left without much support.  An American liaison and German doctors who did not speak English.

My Christian buddy was visiting me and began having panic attacks taking care of my kids during this time.  He was obsessively selfish and broken.  But he tried I guess.

The long and short of it, a mysterious bacteria invaded my wife’s womb, and her body began rejecting the pregnancy.  The doctors began shooting her up with meds to prevent labor, to no avail.  They sewed her shut, but ended up having to remove the stitching lest she rip open with the pressure.  That process nearly killed her.  I was in the room and saw my little Josiah laid to the side, and I thought I saw his little body breathing.  I told him that I loved him, that his Papa loved him.  And he was gone. 

I could not bury him without paying a very high German tax, and they would not preserve his little body to take home.  He was to be cremated and we would could not even keep the ashes.  We had a ceremony with one of the hospital’s Lutheran ministers.  And the nursing staff did some beautiful things for us, pictures of the ceremony, a poem, a shoebox filled with the quiet celebration of the short life, the few breaths of my little Josiah. 

How could I not resent a god who had punished my child for my sins.  How could I trust him to give a damn about the other two beautiful babies I had brought up to believe in him.  My faith unravelled as my wife’s seemed to strengthen.  She said she felt the loving embrace of god comforting her through this all.  I guess the pain and near-death experience helped purge her.  This would be the beginning of the end of our marriage.  The beginning of walking two separate paths.  My Christian friend downplayed our pain, my pain and began going on about his pursuit of some woman.  This was the end of our friendship.  Is this some kind of ultimate cruelty?  The military was no help.  They had left us behind, because they had bigger things to think about, more important than my little family and our puny struggles.  I suddenly realized I could trust no one.  I determined to get my family back stateside and hide away.  And the next time my wife’s baggage manifested and cast judgment upon me, I did not stand for it.  As a result she turned to the the church who inflamed her PTSD and they joined to perform a witch hunt on me.  We went through exerocisistic counselling.  The ministers finally concluded that you cannot drive you out of you.

Josiah paid a price to set his Father free from religion.  His death set off a chaos storm in my life that has resulted in finding a faith again.  And it is stripped of all the religious muck and mire I endured for so long and is now filled with childlike magic.  It was the god of religion that was cremated in Augsburg, my son took him to hell were he belongs, and left me free to live again.  The parasitic relationships have fallen away.  My former wife and I are good friends now and she would probably tell this story differently.  And I am ok with that.  That is her path, and it is no less valuable than my own.  My two children survived it all, and even thrive in the new environment of spiritual freedom.  And I now live a life I have only enjoyed in fantasy, for I have my own consentual slave.  I do not hate my sexuality, but embrace it and all of its magnificent expressions.  I am no longer limited by the Judeo-Christian-Capatilistic business contracts that pass for modern marriage.  I have captured a unicorn.  And it has captured Me.

Josiah was a messenger from this Higher Power I now walk with and desire to understand better.  And his Papa still loves him. 

As you can imagine, there are a few resentments I have had to add because of this pain resurfacing.  But maybe this will free me to run again, and to proudly finish serving the country I dearly love.  I am supposed to take a record PT test on the 15th. 

I can trust this HP, and can understand Its use of order and chaos to build and promote individual personal mythology.  I am ok now; so thanks for listening…or reading, whoever you are out there.

So, I added four resentments from this story and have completed the first three columns on them.  My completion ratio on the fourth column now falls to 28.8% and it is 5:20am.  And I am grateful for one more day, because it is miraculous that I did not drink last night.

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