Endigar 181

When I was a child, I was empathetic.  I felt others.  I used this to help me fulfill a needed role within some of the difficult, maybe even dysfunctional, dynamics of my family of origin.  I learned to build a wall of protection around my internal reality.  That internal reality is often discarded by simply labeling it “fantasy.”  But it is the source of inspiration and the true artist of our lives.  So I protected it.  I chose not to connect when school revealed how cruel others are to a happy and loving little child.   Peers only reinforced what I learned at home, that a strategy of withdrawal was imperative for survival.

But it is so easy for a fortress to become a prison.  Solitude becomes isolation.  Protective ritual becomes mind-numbing ruts.  I became trapped by the effectiveness of this strategy.

As I grew into my adult-trainee years, into my young adult life, I tried to find a way to overcome the powerful wall I had constructed so that I could at least visit the outside world, the interactive reality.  I discovered and eventually modified emotional amplification.  Whatever I wanted to accomplish that my fear prevented me from experiencing, I blew a hole in the wall with overwhelming emotional force.  But the wall always fought back to heal the breach and bring me back inside. 

And thus my life became a pattern of energy bursts and sudden retreats.  An internal civil war developed.  Although the 12 step program has worked well with the chemical dependency, it is difficult to apply to my emotional amplification.  This seems to be a common strategy among the creative.  It is easier to medicate the individual than to recognize the fractures of our societal consciences.  Is it possible that a lifetime of internal civil war can be overcome in these 12 steps?  I am not at all sure.



Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: