Endigar 143

I stayed up all night, doing recovery homework, searching for the source of this current obsession.  Where did I pick this monster up again?  Sifting through old paperwork, looking at my old fear inventory, I found a self appraisal that might indicate that I am maniac – depressive.  I seem to bounce between spiritual ecstasy and carnal despair.  My girlfriend has mentioned this possibility.  So many memories dredged up.  So many nightmares that came true.  She was there in hell, waiting for me to appear. 

Will the Higher Power show up, empower me, because I am doing the best I know how?  My experience says that it is not likely.  My experience tells me that this Higher Power will remain irrelevant, sneak around, and lure me into harms way and watch my humiliation unfold.  The female aspect of god will mother and shower me with the ultimate cruelty, love filtered through pity.  Is the Higher Power afraid that I will attempt to build my own Tower of Babel?  The phallic self-expression must be assaulted with confusion and internal strife. 

As long as I lived a life of low expectations and focused only on recovery, the Higher Power seemed to encourage me.  But when I attempted to close the circle of my military service, this same Entity seemed to develop a cruel disdain.  I am ravaged by my own fears.  The recovery group is keeping me alive.  My slave is keeping my masculinity alive.   My children are keeping my hope alive.  I hate living on life support.  I have got to find my path regardless of god or love. 

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