Endigar 133

From a letter written by Bill Wilson, 1960:

During acute depression, avoid trying to set your whole life in order all at once.  If you take on assignments so heavy that you are sure to fail in them at the moment, then you are allowing yourself to be tricked by your unconscious.  Thus you will continue to make sure of your failure, and when it comes you will have another alibi for still more retreat into depression.

In short, the ‘all or nothing’ attitude is a most destructive one.  It is best to begin with whatever the irreducible minimums of activity are.  Then work for an enlargement of these – day by day.  Don’t be disconcerted by setbacks – just start over.

I quoted Bill W. above because it seemed appropriate in the spirit of preparing for the holiday blues. 

I raised my right head today, to serve as a soldier once more, in the US Army Reserve.  It finally happened.  I went to a meeting tonight and there were many military personnel there from a treatment facility.  I hope that my experience dealing with this disease will be helpful to others in uniform. 

I do not feel brave.  I face difficult situations the same way I face a roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  I concentrate in getting in line, and just mindlessly walk forward.  Don’t consider the enter scope of what I am about to face.  This becomes increasingly difficult the longer I have to wait.  The building anxiety makes me impatient.  I don’t know how much longer I can restrain the desire to escape, to protect myself. 

It finally happens.  The moment of truth.  All I really have to do now is sit down in the seat and buckle up, the rest will work itself out.  The metaphor breaks down when comparing to military service as a leader.  Taking the oath is no longer just about challenging fear and feeling the exhilaration.  I am expected to lead based on my accumulated years of service.  Others will count on me to perform.  This roller coaster ride could be for several months, even years.  I am responsible.  I want to be responsible.  I want to do well.  But I have more faith in the manifestation of my shortcomings than I do of my strengths.

Maybe if I can take what I have learned in the program to this devotion, I will do better this time.  I help others because it helps me.  We work together because we will die individually.  Humility in order to insure connection.  Ask for help when I am in need.  Seems to fit.


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