Endigar 114

The meeting topic tonight focused on the Vital Spiritual Experience necessary to make this program work. The topic leader read from the appendix in the back of the Big Book elaborating on the misconception that occurred early on that all such experiences are to be instant explosions of power and revelation that work an immediate psychic change. It talked about the more common educational variety.

I began to think back on spiritual ecstasies that occurred for me, and the prolonged effect they had on my life. I think it can be dangerous for someone with an addictive tendency to have such an experience, because it is like a high. And life becomes unmanageable when day to day living is obscured by a desperate frustration to relive that high over and over again. I think this is what enslaved me to central religion as a young adult. I kept looking for another hit of god-crack.

I experienced a spiritual ecstasy when I first read the scriptures from cover to cover, and believed I had gained insight into the Revelation of John. I believed I experienced another such ecstasy when I saw the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark” on the big screen, with a friend I was reaching out to, attempting to proselytize him to the Christian faith. I believe I had a anti-spiritual ecstasy when I discovered the power of this disease to overrule My mind. And recently, I had one more at Oak Mountain when I was on one of my raven walks to Musepoint (see Endigar001). The sound of the water seemed to have a supernatural loudness to it, and I could feel…power. I was enraptured.

But I know to release it and accept that it is the little efforts to build faith that are the kindling for such experiences. There must be a steady discipline to create the opportunity for magic.

The reality of the Experience came for me when I quit arguing with the Higher Power. I knew that this power was not trying to manipulate me into recovery. It was not a mafia boss, a Godfather, making an offer I couldn’t refuse. It was an invisible rescue worker getting out on the ledge with me trying to convince me to come in. I kept jumping to feel the exhilaration of falling only to get beaten up by gravity. Then I would turn around and limp back into the building to step out on the ledge from one more level up. This Higher Power wanted me to live, and told me there was another way to experience flight. But I needed to learn to respect the gravity first.

Ok, I guess I have exhausted that metaphor. But I did have to change my perspective on what the Higher Power was trying to do in my life, and that came when I realized I was supernaturally powerless over this disease. I would violate all the laws of nature that drive me to preserve my life in order to experience the thrill, the rush, the freedom, no matter how temporary. No matter the consequences. No matter how many people got hurt trying to catch me as I came crashing down on them.

I came home after that second treatment, after that desperate prayer of surrender, when I knew I wanted to live, and I could tell something had changed. I stood back and watched myself, still skeptical. But when I made it past the 90 day relapse wall, and was still enjoying my new life of sobriety, I began to suspect a psychic change had occurred.  I am growing to trust the quiet satisfaction with life over the quest for a burning bush. 


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