Endigar 111

Last night the obsession to drink returned, and powerfully so.  Why?  That, of course, is not the question you ask when under assault.  Time was quickly slipping away, and I know better than to sit around and philosophize.  I prayed to my Higher Power.  The intuition was simple.  Take action.  I began picking up the phone and calling others in my network.  I called until I actually got someone.  We talked about the reality that additional stressors can set it off.  He said that he has heard of those with 2 and 4 years sobriety suffering from it.  The move back with the military might be creating this stress.  He suggested a fear inventory, after making a meeting as soon as possible.  I went to the meeting downtown.  It was on steps 6 and 7 that have to do with dealing with my shortcomings, character flaws, and such.  Did not feel much relief.  Had planned to eat with my slave, but didn’t want her to see me like this.  I took refuge in the blessed Barnes & Noble.  I thought I might be able to work the spiral fear inventory there.  But the internal pressure and the accelerated restlessness was absolutely unbearable.  I decided that I was just going to go home and try to hide.  Weak strategy.

I went out to the truck and sat.  I recently developed a concept called eating demon flesh. 

The imagery goes something like this:  We are born and a hole appears in the universal web that matches our greatest potential.  We live out our lives within this cocoon.  There are parasitic entities that roam the universe, and attempt entry into that protected environment.  Once they get in, they feed off of the energy that is meant to help us grow.  Thus, we are suppressed and starved as they grow stronger.  Without connective energy, we don’t make it.  And they move on, empowered, to the next host.

But if you recognize the presence of your own personal demon, you can use a shamanistic type of imagery to eat at his flesh and reclaim your energy.  He cannot depart until he has successfully killed you.  He can check in, but he cannot leave until the structure collapses.  He is at your mercy.  If he attacks directly, you are able to absorb your energy out of him. 

As I sat in the truck, I thought that maybe I should return to this imagery, maybe I was actually being resisted by this entity.  I could feel its presence so very near to me, as though it was right on me.  I began to hold it, to bite into its flesh, tear its muscle, and taste that yummy demon flesh, feel its blood splatter my face and hear it screech as it scrambled to escape. 

The obsession immediately left, and I was greatly empowered.  I was more confident and happier than I had been in days.  I raced of to eat with my slave and share the good news.  I went to the Hut for another meeting and could still feel the strength racing through me.  Others were attracted to me, and recovery coursed through my veins.

The guy I had talked to earlier on the phone asked me what I had done.  I told him that I might sound crazy, but he said that was an already established fact.  I told him of all that I had done, including eating demon flesh.  He interpreted that to mean that I had changed my perspective.  OK.

Then my sponsor called me back when I returned home and we talked about it.  He said that now that I have some breathing space, do some soul searching to see what I did and didn’t do that interfered with my Higher Power connection. 

The only thing that has come to mind so far is a recurring desire to torture a predator of a young girl that I am aware of.  I revel in the thought of causing this maggot of the human species great pain and suffering.  But there is something that restrains me.  And yesterday there was the possibility that he might be slipping out of sight.  The military felt like something that was in the way of getting at this creature.  Maybe my own personal demon was using this as a possibility to weaken me spiritually.  To blind me to the extended reality of our universe. 

I remember fantasizing about his torture, needing to follow through on it, when someone sent a text saying that he is disappearing. 

I wonder if I can eat his demon’s flesh?  Or whether the young girl can?  What if the real predator is this demon he surrendered to.  What if I am restrained, because this powerful demon of his own would be released to hunt a new host if I helped it to destroy his current one.  What if the young girl has claim on his demon because of what she suffered at his hands. 

What if I could act as a spiritual conduit for this young girl in a ritual?  This seems correct.

Well, I must get ready for the second part of my military physical.  I am leaving today and will return sometime tomorrow.

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