Endigar 94

I have come to realize that I am socially immature in so many ways.  I am like some lumbering beast at a tea party.  I have often had problems with saying good-bye.  I used to say that it was a military superstition.  I am beginning to believe that is probably self-justification.  I am inconsiderate of others.  Why?  Maybe it is because I am so overly considerate of my own pain, that I minimize my own impact on others around me. 

I remember a time back in my childhood that might render some understanding her, some reason, other than simply being an asshole.  I learned to become invisible in my teenage years to avoid any possibility of ridicule or humiliation.  But such a strategy had a price.  People were willing to accommodate me.  I became insignificant.  And this was enhanced when it was time to sign yearbooks.  I so longed for others to write little messages about me in my book and how they would miss me.  The few times I got up the nerve to acknowledge the desire and ask someone to sign, the message they would put in it was so generic, so stilted, that it hurt more than being ignored.  It was social pity.  And others would pass their books to me, and I was terrified that they would discover that I did not know them either.  I learned to absolutely dread yearbooks. 

The reality was that I wanted to connect with others without the risk of being hurt by others.  Becoming a nobody was the best plan I could come up with.

In the process of doing my fourth and fifth step, several short-comings were identified.  When these short-comings become more and more active, my disease is gaining strength, and I have a very limited amount of time to confront the short-coming.  Or the disease will begin confronting me.  And I almost always lose when I wait for that to happen. 

The short-coming that I started off with was being judgmental, harsh to myself and others.  The Higher Power has worked with me on this.

Now, it appears that with the renewed opportunity with the military, I am dealing with another short-coming:  Inconsideration.  So the opposite characteristic that I want built into me is Consideration. 

Example – on my last day of work at Walmart, there were co-workers I had enjoyed and developed a good working relationship with.   They were unaware that it was my last day.  One of them discovered and was angry with me.  I thought she was joking.  But apparently, she was truly hurt with me.  I am not used to being significant enough to miss, at least in my own mind.  I am taking more risks in relationships and others are taking risks in being in a relationship with me.  I have to honor and respect them the way that I would want to.  It means a lot for someone to drop their guard and welcome you into their hearts, if only during duty hours.  It is still very significant.

I do not want to turn others into nobodies. 

There is woman who has allowed me to visit her world, and I have been inconsiderate to her as well.  I will guard her anonymity here on this site, but her anger with me for not telling her personally that I was leaving is very real.

I have worked on this short-coming with others in my life; My father, slave, children.  But I still have a way to go.  I just didn’t realize the profound impact I was having. 

I hope that I can make amends and build a social interaction that is enhanced with respect and consideration for others who, even for a moment, open the door of their hearts to me.

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