Endigar 46

It was a really good speaker meeting tonight.  All I can say is wow, and will I ever have something as potent to share.  I don’t know. 

I had a migraine headache this morning, so I called into work and stayed home.  But I was so hungry, and knew that it would be a mistake to take ibuprofen on an empty stomach.  The pain was making me feel somewhat nauseous.  Everyone was asleep, so I decided to make a run to waffle house and get some breakfast.  I ate and came out to the truck, realized I had locked myself out.  The back window that I had popped a few years ago when I had done this, was now miraculously healed and worked perfectly to keep me out.  I decided that maybe I should do a walk about and wait for a more reasonable time to call my father to come rescue me.  I spent a painful and difficult few hours letting my inner child talk with Jon, the Higher Power that has been so good to me, was there at the hospital during my last (and hopefully final) relapse. 

I actually got a lot of guidance, a move for simplification and shedding of some old ways.  I know, really general terms, but the gory details would probably only serve to make my words more confusing. 

Speaking of clarity and exactness in communication, I should probably come up with some other term besides “religious addiction.”  The addiction is my response to ANY system of behavioral domination and manipulative control.  This addiction satisfies me with a pathological relationship with a role, an icon of what a system needs.  When I am in this role, I lose touch with myself.  Then I am unable to connect with others, or my Higher Power.  If I step out of this role, I feel that I will be punished, and that others will be disappointed to know the real me.  When I am in the role, I receive recognition and attention.  I become hooked to the performance and to the need to appease.  I did this in my family of origin, my religious involvement, my marriage, and my service in the military.

In sobriety, this kind of disconnectedness will kill me.  My role will stay sober, but I will secretly die.  I have to find ways to stay genuine, to remain real and truthful with who I am.

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